"I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you`ll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret
Who has to know?
When we live such fragile lives
It's the best way we survive
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you"
Song: The Chorus by Donora
Book: Kino no Tabi: A Beautiful World
On September 12, I, like many other postsecret-on-lookers, posted their number on the postsecret myspace blog, hoping that a random stranger will text them their personal secret(s). At first, I could not stop staring at my phone hoping that I will AT LEAST get one, just one little secret. After thirty hopeless minutes that felt like an eternity, I received my first text. It was from someone in Keys, Florida. (I started to name them by "city, state" because it bothers me that it is just a number and I figured, if I am getting more, I might as well know who I am responding). [I had to make some creative changes to some contacts when it came to repeated cities, *cough* Phoenix, Arizona *cough*]. Enough of the technicalities let us get down to business.
At first, when I trusted my number with strangers from around the globe, I felt like Frank Warren when he said, "But I feel as though I took a leap of faith in humanity and humanity has not let me down," when he was answering a question about privacy. Then, as more and more secrets kept pouring into my inbox I began to realize that everyone else that sent their secret to me were the ones taking that "leap of faith" right into my phone.
The secrets were all different and they each portrayed their own emotion, ranging from bliss to despair. Some made my cry, others made me laugh for several minutes and others made want to be able to converse with the person to gain more perspective in life. I think what makes this whole "would you text a stranger your secrets," thing different from Frank Warren's original idea of sending postcards is that there is a tangible connection between both parties. You are able to get instant feedback and relief that the world sees your secrets (instead of waiting until Saturdays, on the myspace blog, and Sundays on his site). (& thank you for calling me a whore, a great perspective of seeing what I was doing; it really did make me laugh).
Here are the main classification of the secrets I received (key word here being "main," if you sent me a secret, and it's not classified here, it means that I only got a few of them relating to your subject, or I felt that in a greater scale it fits into one of these). :
Love, Romance, Heart Ache, Break-ups & Lust
There were many, many secrets about Love, and her sisters, Romance, Heart Ache, Break-Up and Lust. These secrets made me feel the most connected to all of you around me, because I share many of your secrets. I too wish that you loved me once. That maybe, that beautiful story in my head became reality. That I can stop drowning myself in those tears of that unhappy ending. I lingered on the decisions made by two individuals and how each affects each other after it is over. I also pondered if I should just go enjoy one-night stands. In the end, whichever sister decides to stand by you, there are vicissitudes, and there are definite consequences. See it both ways and then make a decision.
Death
I had the most trouble with these kinds of secrets. I could not really connect to any of you, and I am extremely sorry for your self-blame. I tried giving advice to some of you & even if you said thank you, I still felt that my few words were very inadequate. Your stories made me cry and wish that you were right next to me to receive a hug. Do not let the pain get the best of you, you will all make through your difficulties.
Sex, Virginity & Rape
Wow. Some of you people forgot that you were sending text messages to a seventeen year old. There are some kinky people out there. I do not think I replied to most of these because of several reasons. The "sex," reasons: I feel that sex can never be JUST SEX and even if you're just doing it to please yourself or the partner, there is still a connection that your body craves rather than just the whole "I’m doing a hot person right now," thing. (Why else do you think that evolution exists? You see something in that partner that will make the next generation survive, it is more than just an attraction, it is psychological). Also, I still haven't decided where I stand with the whole sex before marriage or not. The "virginity," reasons: we all have different meanings for virginity, for example, some of my friends don't think that oral really is sex, and thus no virginity is lost. In addition, virginity has different levels of importance for each person. The "rape," reasons: I think as long as you tell someone, it should be enough. That one little confession should kick-start the road to recovery, which only you can travel. (Of course, support from friends & family is needed, but you ultimately decide for your recovery).
Addictions and Disorders
I think these secrets gave me the most hope. To be able to admit your problem, seek help and conquer your addiction or disorder is amazing. Given that there is a negative side to this classification, it really was life altering. I felt heartbreak for those who could not make it through. (& to the one, who thinks you will not make it that one month, trust me you will. Wait for the 23rd, I know I am waiting.) This changed how I viewed disorders in general, because I never considered the human factor. All the will power that one human can have is incredible. Good luck to all of you.
Sexuality
I am a firm believer that sexuality is fluid. I have been raised Christian and been taught that any sexual preference other than heterosexuality is wrong. The good thing is that I do not believe in that. I think that whatever sexuality an individual chooses, it is his (male pronoun rule for the English language) own personal life. Granted, we all have our opinions and yes, there will be others who disagree with your lifestyle, but that is life. I think I used this for each of my "advice," for sexuality (only because I believe in it so much) "sexuality is part of you, it doesn't define you."
Marriage & Divorce
Although the divorce rates in America are nearly 50 percent (last I heard, not sure of the actual accuracy), I was still a firm believer that once you get married, overall there will be happiness despite the little arguments and differences between the couple. These secrets helped reinforce something I believe in, that love is not just about feelings. It takes more to make a relationship work; it is willingness from both parties and the ability to stick to it during hard times. Divorce taught me another thing. It is not all tears (at least for one party) because that freedom from being in a bad relationship must be exhilarating. After all, your happiness is much more important.
Friendships
Any kind of 'ships' requires input on both ends. These perfect friendships made me feel fuzzy inside. (Like the one I replied, "That is the loveliest kind of friendship I've heard of"). Yes, there are also the jealous type ones. In the end, it held a universal truth; friends can either make or break you. They hold you together and make your days. You confide in them whatever your heart desires and hope that whatever that is they understand and support you. It is vice versa. As much as you would like to be your friend, she probably wants to be you. When one is weak, the other is strong. That is friendship, the perfect combination.
Yes, I tried to reply to most of you, but if I did not and you wanted a reply, I am truly sorry. I did not respond to texts for four reasons:
1. I was not sure how my response could help or what to say.
2. I could not connect in a personal level, as I wanted to, and thus believed that I would cause more damage than help.
3. I thought that by just telling someone that should be enough.
4. You told me not to respond to you (yes, just one person told me not to reply, haha)
Sorry for my late replies, it takes a while.
Therefore, since I did not reply to some of them, I am giving you some of my secrets right now, one from each section. So here it goes:
Love, Romance, Heart Ache, Break-Ups & Lust
Although I do not like to admit it, I still wish that one day you would tell me that you loved me.
Death
I am afraid that my mom will not like my idea for my funeral. Invite only, no mourning, neon color dress code, my youtube video that will talk about life in general & that awesome huge raffle at the end of funeral. (Please do not steal my idea, but if you do, at least invite me [pay for my plane ticket if it is far :D] AND give me credit for the idea somewhere in your funeral).
Sex, Virginity & Rape
I actually do look down on teenage mothers. I do not care where the child came from. The one thing that makes me look up to them, is being able to work through all your problems, keep the child and STILL continue with your life.
Addictions & Disorders
I no longer want to personally experience the journey someone in an addiction or disorder goes through. I do not have enough will power to make it out of the disorder or addiction.
Sexuality
I dislike people who act like the stereotypes for their sexuality.
Marriage & Divorce
I believe that I am better off alone. I do not want to work at it.
Friendships
I always wanted to hear that someone could not live without me. I realized that actions speak for themselves. I love all my friends, very deeply.
The most important thing I learned from this project is that there is humanity. I had lost my faith in humans. I saw only negative intentions and viewed the world as such a sad sight. Now that I have received the influx of secrets, I view the world through a kaleidoscope. As Kate Havnevik's song, Kaleidoscope goes, "Through your kaleidoscope, it's beautiful. A tinge travels up my spine, a cluster of colors and twine as we melt into wine. You know me, how troubled I can be, but through your kaleidoscope, I let go. 'Cause you show me the world as it could be."
"The world is not beautiful, therefore it is." I absolutely love this quote and I feel that it fits with the postsecret community. This quote is taken from the book "Kino no tabi: A Beautiful World," and it explains the simplicity and complexity of the book. A writer for a review once said, (something in the lines of, since I could not find the review anymore!) "Kino travels the world and visits different cities and through the hardship and terror she sees the beauty in the world." Of course, it was probably more poetic, but the point I am trying to get across is that, there is "beauty in the breakdown." (From the song "Let Go" by Frou Frou).
Thank you to everyone who sent me his or her secrets. I treasure each one. I would also like to thank people in the following states, who helped me in trying to get all 50 states:
Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, Wyoming.
Alas, I did not reach my 50 state goal. (THANK YOU to the person in CANADA. I do not know if I get charged if I send to other countries, so I did not reply, sorry. & I did not count you as Alaska, but thank you.)
The THREE states that I did not get were Alaska, South Dakota & Vermont.
Thank you very much, you people have definitively changed my life for the better.
Although, we live very far way, I consider all of you thee best kind of neighbors. (Hence, why the post is titled "Neighbors.")
You guys are the best neighbors because you are close enough to keep in contact and just far enough to be private about each other. (& not to mention, I cannot hear your parties that last until 3am in the morning -like my real neighbors, every weekend.-)
Maybe, we will see each other when I am lots older, I plan to travel. (:
ps. - The quote above is taken from the song "My Dirty Little Secret," by The All-American Rejects. The song "featured" here was recently used for a postsecret video that was posted on Frank Warren's myspace blog. The book, I feel connects to the beauty in all of us. It really is interesting, you should take a look at it. The pictures I used all come from a site which is dedicated to street art. I am unsure of their actual titles and their artist, but I take the pictures I like from them to better describe what I write. If you notice the previous blog also has a picture, that's from postsecret. So, I don't own the pictures, I just really like them, so I save them.
-post edit-
11.08.08, I've been a bit hesitant on sending you guys all text messages about this post, but I would really like all of you guys to read it. So I'm sorry, if my text disturbed any of you. I'm sending them all today, so it'll be nice to hear from all of you. (:
-post, post edit-
I think most of you guys sent me a "Who is this" text, which lacked a question mark -__- haha, well, I'll try to get to texting all of you guys back on that question, but if you read the blog & sent the who is this text, then you'll figure out who I am, by the end of it, I Hope.
-post, post, post edit-
to answer who it is, I'm a stranger. (:
-pleaseeeee comment here, I don't mind getting text, but right now, I'm in the midst of responding the "who is this question" and it's a bit overwhelming, but in a few hours, I don't mind catching up.
Online catching up doesn't hurt either.
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