Free

We were snuggled deep under his bed sheets. I lay there, smiling and thinking about last night. His hand was over my breasts and he was soundly asleep. I thought about how he gently caressed my cheek with the back of his hand. He’d take off his shirt and I’d follow, showing my breasts with erect nipples. He kissed me. He licked me. We made love. The aftermath was just as amazing. We laid there exhausted, never taking our eyes off one another.

He whispered: What happens when two unstoppable forces collide?

I didn’t know it then, but that memory will haunt me for the rest of my life. That idea would form itself in my most vulnerable moments. It would creep up on me like a lioness on a gazelle completely unaware of the danger nearby. No matter how many times I tried to push it to the back of my mind, his voice will resonate in my head – “What happens,” he began again, “when two unstoppable forces collide?”

I didn’t answer. We fell asleep – no other words were uttered that night. The memory of that night will be with me the morning after, during our disputes, when I was happy or sad…it would come at me, forcing me to think of answer. What happens when two unstoppable forces collide? First I heard it in whispers and the more I thought about it the louder the question will become. It was as if I were standing in the middle of train tracks and the question, the train, sped its way toward me. What happens when two unstoppable forces – before the collision, I’d wake from the trance.

We were arguing again; his screams broke the trance.

Drive

I have an array of stories ranging from erectile dysfunction to a suicide note, but I lack the drive to write them down despite how many details I’ve thought out.

I lack a lot of drive actually. There are days (even weeks) where I don’t want anything to do with sex. I skip school habitually because I have better things to do (like sleep or Disneyland). I start tens of projects most which never see the light of day after day one. I get bored too easily, moving on to the more interesting project.

Mostly, I lack the drive to think of something creative for the word ‘drive.’ (via)

Infinity

In a letter to his boyfriend, a friend of mine wrote: “I want to be with you forever - in life and death. We will be eternal like stars; rising and falling at the beat of the sun.”

Normally, such feelings are naive - foreign even, but those words reminded me of my very first date. I remember feeling something. I’m not sure what I felt; It was a mixture of anticipation and anxiety. I recognized happiness too, it wasn’t as strong, but it felt like it was sprinkled on there to help me swallow the emotion.

We went to a very Hollywood picturesque first date, the fair. On my way there, my iPod played Blink 182’s “First Date.” I felt this surge of unhappiness. Why would I be asked out? Why all of a sudden? Are the feelings mutual?

It was a very weird feeling; lights flickered, cars seemed to slow down to a halt and breathing took hours. It felt endless. Like if in that moment all that existed were my feelings. There were many highs and lows throughout this frozen state.

A wave of fresh air hit my face and the moment passed. The date ended and days went by, mere seconds compared to that emotion. The worst part of this whole experience is that I’d have to wait an eternity, to sit through a wretched hollow, to feel it again. (via)

Breathe

Breathing is ephemeral. I find the act of breathing interesting. During the inhale and exhale of breathing, many noteworthy events can occur, but at the same time nothing can happen. A breath of air is in essence useless, but it carries life.

In an effort to catch my thoughts, to translate the impulses of axons into words, I decided to hold my breath. I thought if I can freeze this moment, if I can stop in the middle of the journey, I’ll be able to collect my thoughts, to reach a conclusion.

Sadly, my lungs cannot stop the unavoidable and I have to take a breath. If I had to get my point across, if I had to convey the complexity of my thoughts I would have to be concise. But my thoughts race too fast for my fingers to keep up; they’re always turning a sharp corner, chasing an obscure tangent thought.

But it’s still not enough and any second my lungs will give in. I’ll finish the journey, a little bit closer to the end of the thought maze but never finishing. And just when I exhale, I’ll be wishing for another breath. I’ll be wishing to hold on a little longer so I can get closer to the end of that thought. (via)